I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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