kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
