can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
