My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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