is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
