If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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