I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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