if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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