My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
