At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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