I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
