only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
