Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
