I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
