and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
