haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
