I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
