Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
