I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
