I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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