his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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