Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
