I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
