I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
