a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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