My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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