were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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