i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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