my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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