Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
