i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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