I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
