fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
