i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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