I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
