i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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