i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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