I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
