Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
