now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
