At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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