its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
