i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
