I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
