I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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