Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
