He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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