Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
