Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
