Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
