Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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